BATS stands for Bloodsucker Anti-Terror Squad. It answers a question everyone has asked for years: What if G.I. Joe was made entirely from vampires.

The game starts in Washington D.C., where Count Bloodbayne, a vampire, is awakened from peaceful sleep beneath the Lincoln Memorial–precisely what a government-sponsored patriotic vampire would be. The dastardly Scorpion Chief (a stand-in to Cobra Commander) has taken the four remaining members of BATS, America’s heroic vampire strike force.

Scorpion Supreme threatens the death of members of BATS lives on television. It’s going to be disgusting! He says. He said, “Like, really disgusting!” People will vomit. Mwa-ha, ha! The Scorpion Supreme is a savage. BloodRayne is a vampire who must fight his way through Supreme’s lair. This includes chugging blood and dispatching bosses. BloodRayne has an additional ability: when his blood meter is complete, he can turn into a Wolf and go on serious rampages through Supreme’s hideout.

You can release another BATS member at the end of each level and add them to your roster. Then swap between them and use their abilities. Sgt. Sgt. Mitzie is a giant leathery bird with wings that can fly. This makes her more agile than any other member of the team. Rick Ghastly prefers to shoot with a shotgun to claws and fists. Nosferatu is the oldest vampire on the team and drains more blood than anyone else. This allows him to go wild faster and fills his blood meter quicker.

You can only play five levels (one for each BATS member), but there is a boss rush mode as well as a special speedrun mode. This will allow you to set your record times with your vampire roster.

One thing is wrong: The unalterable control system for BATS appears to be designed to force you to defy muscle memory. Although the action keys are arranged: A, D, S, and D, those are for jumping, attacking, and evading. It is difficult to remember how many times you have to press the spacebar to jump. The left and right arrow keys are used for movement. These controls may be familiar to someone else, but I found them a little confusing and wish they could be changed.

Steam now has BATS: Bloodsucker Anti-Terror Squad. I wonder what the vampire equivalent of “Yo Joe!” is. I wonder what the vampire equivalent to “Yo, Joe!” is. “Proceed, bleed?”

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